No, I’m not just bringing him with me.

If you are a parent, specifically a mother, you’ve heard an iteration of this line before. Usually when you are trying to decline an invitation to something outside of the house (back when we could be outside of our houses) due to a lack of childcare. Folks mean well when they say it, but inside, those friendly intentions are not received as such.

Before the pandemic, I had a decently active social life and career that not only took me out of the house, it would take me out of the country. But first and foremost, I am a mom, a single one specifically and the first question for the past 9 years was: who is going to watch my son?

I remember my first child-free outing. It was a wedding for a co-worker, my son was only 5 months old. Due to the timing, it was a harder time of year to ask someone to give up their late-night, so asked a friend whom I know doesn’t get out much, and is a single mom herself, to help out. Being an event planner by trade and nature, I try to respect an RSVP deadline, because I know the impact of a delay of one. But if I’m hemming and hawing on saying yes, it’s because the big question mark remains.

You can just bring him! The problem for me becomes multi-layered. Then I’m THAT single mom who doesn’t have a village. Then I’m the person causing disruptions at the event (fun fact: kids are NEVER quiet or sleeping when you need them to be). Then I’m the person who can’t fully engage in adult conversations because I have a child on my hip or trying to keep an eye/earshot. Then I’m the person needing to figure out if the menu is ‘kid-friendly’ or where the nearest fast food place is to feed them before and after. Then I’m the person seeking out a space to breastfeed.

None of that makes for a good time. When a parent is child-free, while the back of their mind is always on the safety of their offspring, they can at least be present in the moment and engage in one of their other identities. The one they were before they became a parent.

So I say no. A lot. More sometimes than I would like. (The ebb and flow of that village it takes to raise a child is another post for another day). Occasionally, like when a babysitter canceled on me last minute — I do bring him with me. A couple of event clients, including a bank and one of the wealthiest families in the city, have met my son while I swallow the almost paralyzing embarrassment of it all. As he gets older, and as long as there is wifi, it’s becoming slightly easier to bring him along.

In the end, while all well usually means well — this is one of those cases where it doesn’t always go well, and finally have the space to say so.